I can be shy. Many of those who know me would not think so but in certain settings I am. I don’t like to be shy because it feels uncomfortable and unnatural. Andre Dubus has said:
“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.”
Upon reading this quote I began to understand my discomfort with shyness and why I seek to remedy it. Shyness reveals an inner state that is overly self-focused; causing one to cover his or her inner-self through guarded, closed behavior. We allow fear of self and others to create a disconnect between who we are and how we portray ourselves to others. This behavior operates under a mistaken sense of the importance that others place on how we look, what we say, and how we act.
Interestingly, others care A LOT less about our actions and looks than we presuppose in our minds. Why is this? Because they are also thinking about how others perceive them. And so the cycle continues, many hiding their real self in hopes of being perceived in a more positive light. Ironically, shyness simply guarantees that no light is being shown, thus, making our shyness counterproductive to our original intent.
How do we stop the shyness cycle that so many of us fall into? The answer is to clarify and center our focus. What is it that I would like to accomplish in this social setting? For example, focusing on elevating and building others will cause one’s words and actions to be kind, loving, and complimentary. Rarely do we go into a social setting thinking “I want others to like me”. Most shy people default to this mentality without self-guided decisions of their intentions. Experience has taught me that the more selfless I am the less I think about how others perceive me. A clear focus of our social intent (hopefully aligned with core values) that is backed by action will inevitably open the door of self to others and rid shyness from our lives.
The next time you find yourself uncomfortable, shy, and quiet in a social setting work to clarify what it is you hope to achieve at the gathering. Next, how do you achieve it through action? At this point, a decision must be made to have the courage to carry out the purpose. The more strongly we care for our purpose the more likely we will change behavior; so make sure the purpose is meaningful. Put the experiment to the test at your next social gathering and start to enjoy the fruits of identified purpose in your life.
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