In the great Broadway musical “Fiddler on the Roof” Tevya, the father of the featured Russian family, had just given his daughter and her boyfriend, permission to be engaged. Seeing their love for each other, Tevya becomes introspective about his own arranged marriage. He asks Golde, his wife and mother of his six daughters, if she loves him. Her response (sang in a musical tone):
“For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked YOUR cow”.
These actions were her answer. Not fully satisfied, Tevya keeps pressing her for more clarity and asks her again. She continues:
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?
Tevya responds “Then you love me?” and she confirms “I suppose I do”.
This song is beautiful to me. Their love was the result of countless actions through the years. They sacrificed for each other. They stuck together through both good and bad times.
This view of love is very different from the limited view that love is only a feeling. To me, it is so much more. It is a feeling that leads to action. Or perhaps, it is the inverse; it is action that leads to the feeling. Looks, personality, and chemistry are powerful and can make us feel strongly for another human being. We can be twitterpated or in lust with somebody but such feelings inevitably fade with time. I believe one of the primary purposes for such feelings is to provide fertile ground upon which we can serve, nurture and develop a lifelong relationship with another human being. Loving actions, if sustained over an extended period of time, significantly increase the likelihood of a beautiful and fulfilling relationship.
It is said that couples “fall out” of love. How does this occur? Oftentimes, the falling out process occurs when the couple has stopped investing into the relationship. It is the inevitable result of neglecting the needs and wants of the marriage. A plant that is withering and dying must receive certain nutrients to return back to health; water, sun, and proper soil. The same goes for a marriage. To fall back in love certain ingredients must be added. What are the right ingredients for your marriage? What sun-filled actions will warm your partner’s heart? What is he/she thirsting for in the relationship? What will allow the relationship to become more deeply rooted? The answers to such questions requires an inquisitive, listening ear. Be that ear!
Instead of thinking what our spouse should do for us, we should instead ask what we should do for our spouse. As we do so we will experience an increase love for, and from, those we serve. True love is born and resurrected through action. Exercise faith, patience, and love with your partner and your relationship will become a great source of happiness and fulfillment in your life.
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