12 Step programs all over the world repeat this prayer to remind the individual seeking peace to evaluate what is in their control and what is not. Experience has taught me that being able to know the difference is an important ingredient to a happy and peaceful existence. I personally have found this principle of acceptance to be a universal principle that can benefit us all. Ignoring the distinction between what we can and cannot change often leads to actions that produce frustration and disappointment void of favorable results.
Control
So what do we control? We control our own actions and…well…that’s it. No more, no less. We hope that these actions lead to certain results but it is no guarantee that these actions will lead to the results we want. For example, I can do all in my power to raise an upstanding, responsible child that will make meaningful contributions to society. The more I dedicate myself to this cause the greater the likelihood that this goal will be achieved. Ultimately though, the decision to live in this way is the child’s own. I cannot force another to be who I want them to be. They have their freedom. This same logic applies to all relationships (spouse, boss, parents, siblings, friends, etc.).
If we deeply internalize and accept that we are unable to change the decisions of others we will then have the ability to let go of unwarranted expectations. In the instance of the parent-child example, it would do the parent well if he or she recognizes their child’s independence, detach themselves from the child’s decisions, and enjoy the peace and satisfaction that comes from parenting according to their own values. At the end of the day, that is all we can do.
Complaining
What role does complaining, whining, nagging and pouting play in producing the favorable results we seek? How effective have these tactics been for you in changing the behavior of others? I am not talking about momentary changes but real changes that lead to sustained results. My experience has shown me that these actions have little to no influence over favorable results. Instead they breed resentment, negativity and animosity. I do recognize that complaining and whining can be an effective outlet for 48 hours or so but beyond that it is destructive and counterproductive. The energy we expend in these negative tones drain us and cause us to neglect other areas that we can improve. Complaining, whining, nagging, and pouting are not accepting the things we cannot change.
Acceptance
What does acceptance look like? Acceptance is looking onward and moving upward, realizing our own limitations to change a situation, and diverting our attention and energy towards the areas of life where our efforts will be rewarded.
The next time you run into a situation that causes internal chaos, ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I able to change the outcome or individual that is at the heart of my problem?
- What is one thing I can do to improve the situation for myself or another?
- What is something I want to happen that cannot happen because it is out of my control?
Once you answer these three questions you will have gone through the process of accepting the things you cannot change, taking the courage to change the things that you can, and gaining the wisdom to know the difference. Allowing the reality of these answers to settle will allow you the peace and serenity to, as my father recently put it, “move onward and upward”.
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