I came across an article this past week that shocked me. It stated that 60% of millennials abuse their partners through financial transgressions. Financial abuse or infidelity as defined in the study is when a “romantic partner has either lied about money, hid debt, or used money to manipulate or gain power in the relationship.” This does not bode well for married millennials. If 60% of us are plagued by financial abuse in our marriages and the number one predictor of divorce is disagreement over finances then our society is in for a rough ride. A healthy, productive society is built on healthy marriages and families.
This caused me to reflect on my own marriage. Fortunately, we have a deep level of trust in this area. This did not come easily. We have had our hiccups over the years but our willingness to be open and honest about finances has led to a stable relationship. Honesty is the primary attribute that has enabled this trust to occur. Through personal experience in my marriage as well as coaching others I have learned that creating a framework through which honesty can be exercised is critical to long term marital harmony. This framework is what I call a financial agreement or budget.
A household financial budget is simple. It is an agreement between two partners in how money will be spent on a monthly basis (month to month seems to be the most natural cadence for keeping a budget). Identifying the right amount of money for each category can take some negotiation, compromise, patience, and experience. Once both parties agree to this budget it then becomes a third party through which the household finances are managed.
The honesty is exercised in doing what you said you would do. Honesty is keeping one’s word. Once both parties agree to the budget then disciplining oneself to live within the budget is the next step. I know this can be hard for a generation that is used to getting what we want when we want it. That is how many of us were raised. If financial disagreement is the number one indicator of divorce (and it is) then choosing to be honest within a budget is much more than it appears. It is choosing to stay married over getting what you want when you want it. It is that simple.
Simple is not the same as easy. For many of us we will have to grow and develop in ways we have not yet experienced. It will require a different lens on life. Rethinking happiness may be necessary. Material things may give us a thrill, a momentary pleasure but it does not make us happy. Enriching relationships with our spouse and children will. Both will be compromised if we are dishonest and head down the road to divorce.
If you are experiencing financial disagreements in your marriage then take action today. Sit down with your spouse, let them know of your desire for a better marriage, and present them with the idea of a financial agreement or budget. If you are sincere in your expression and request then most partners will be supportive. Be patient with yourself (and partner) for the first couple months. It will take some time to create the right budget for your household. Consider mint.com as a budgetary tool to get you started. I promise that a budget will do wonders for your marriage if done in a spirit of honesty, respect, and love.
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