During one of my recent couples coaching sessions, certain behaviors were identified by one of the spouses as being disrespectful. As I listened closer it became apparent that the right word to describe his feeling was not disrespect but that of neglect. How does one remedy days, weeks, months or years of neglect in a marriage? The response that came powerfully to mind was the powerful antidote of nurturing words and actions.
As a society, we often associate the word nurture with growing plants and growing people. Our task as parents is to take small, helpless children and enable them to become healthy, interdependent individuals capable of great things. As I reflected on what this word meant to marriages it took on a different angle and feel for me.
From courting to marriage a relationship develops from seed into small plant. Small plants are vulnerable and weak. They are young. Strong binding roots have not yet formed. If not properly nurtured and protected the rays of the sun and force of the winds can uproot the plant and cause it die (divorce). Unfortunately, our knowledge and experience on how to care for young vulnerable marriages can be somewhat limited in the beginning of our journey. Much energy, focus, and trial and error is required to ensure the plant does not wither, wilt, and die. Through such focus the plant will grow. As nurturing actions are taken the passing years will deepen the roots of respect, honor, and love that cement the marriage relationship. This same process applies to marriages that are weak but have been 10, 20, or 30 years in the making. The change will take time but it is always possible when both parties are willing to participate.
How does a nurturing attitude manifest itself in a marriage? The answers to such a question are many and unique to your marriage. Each person is an individual. Each person has their own preferences on what they prefer in marriage. The challenge for you is to know and act upon the preferences of your spouse that will nurture and grow your relationship.
- What type of voice tone would your spouse like you to use?
- What are meaningful acts of service that would be appreciated by your partner?
- If you have a marriage complaint what is the best way to communicate that complaint?
- In regards to intimacy, what actions could you take to nurture this part of your relationship?
- When greeting each other what are some things you can do to show your love for your partner?
- When riding in a car or watching a show together what can you do to love your partner?
As displayed by these simple questions, the opportunities to nurture our most important relationship are plenty and found in all aspects of the marriage. Think on the little and big things that will nurture/deepen the relationship. Think on the unique individual you have married and what nurturing may mean to them. Often times, when we nurture our partner, our partner catches on and nurtures us. The snowball effect is then kicked off and the marriage is fulfilling its purpose on becoming a strength in the home that becomes a strength to our children. Experiment with this word “nurture” in your marriage and enjoy the results that will inevitably come as you consistently manifest your love through a nurturing focus.
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