In my experience as a parent (going on 13 years now) I am constantly faced with split second decisions on how to respond to a child’s request or complaint. Often times, my responses don’t align with what is best for the child or family. I do the best I can but the consequences of such reactive decisions have culminating effects on the overall functionality and feel of our home. The results, of such an approach, have been decent but I felt there was a better way.
Two months ago, my wife and I came across a concept called “Family Meetings” in our weekly reading of our parenting handbook. It presented the idea of a meeting where the family gets together on a regular basis to discuss issues or concerns. This concept was not new to me for I had learned about it in a parenting workshop years ago as well as it being discussed at church. Tamie and I discussed the concept. We felt this type of forum could help give voice to our children in a organized and respectful manner. It would also limit the number of split second decisions we were making. I guess timing is everything for when we read it we were ready.
The Set Up
We notified the children (through our weekly calendar posted on the fridge) that we would be holding a “Family Council” at the kitchen table on August 21 at 4:00 p.m. At this council we took time and turns reading the “Family Meeting” section in our handbook. This allowed the children to more fully understand the purpose, meeting structure, and the part they play in the process. Next, we allowed them to ask questions for clarity and understanding. Lastly, we presented the worksheet (to be posted on the fridge) that would log the family’s issues or concerns. The children were mildly excited about the process but somewhat skeptical on its relevance, use, and impact.
Family Council in Action
The meeting is held bi weekly and lasts no longer than 30 minutes (timer set to “30 min” on my phone). We open the meeting with prayer, acknowledge progress made from previous decisions, and the lack of progress made on others. Next, we announce the spokesperson and scribe for the day (both assigned by a pre-established rotation). The spokesperson reads each issue as recorded on the family council list. The scribe records decisions made throughout the meeting.
My job as parent is to ensure that the contributor (person who logged the complaint) is fully understood by the family on what their complaint is. I summarize the complaint, receive confirmation that I got it right, and proceed to ask the family for suggestions. After considering various alternatives, Tamie and I make a decision on the adjustment that will be made to address the concern. The majority of the solutions stem from a combination of parent-child brainstorming. The scribe logs the solution (for future reference) and we proceed to the next item. No item is to take more than three to four minutes to resolve. We typically average 7-9 items per council (a lot to get done in 30 minutes…I know).
Impact
In the two months since implementation, we have made several tweaks to the storm household operations. The children have expressed a great deal of satisfaction for having a forum to discuss items that were previously inadequately addressed. They love having a voice. They love working as a family to solve problems. Although not every decision is openly loved, all are accepted, and having a “say” in the process seems to matter more than the actual outcome.
Split decision moments are now the exception rather than the rule. Our children silently record their “voice” on the refrigerator each week. They have confidence and assurance that they will be heard and the issue will be addressed.
I have listed some of the outcomes that have resulted from our family’s joint collaboration:
- Rooms have been rearranged
- Time of scripture study has changed
- Room boundaries have been clarified and enforced
- Shoe clean-up has improved
- Lights are more often turned off as a result of a penny tracker posted in the bathroom (but still room for improvement :))
- Order of towels hung in the bathroom for each kid has been reversed
- Chromebook rules have been established
- Table seating arrangement has changed
- Breakfast menu has expanded
- Child-dish responsibility has increased to not just put dishes in sink but to put them in dishwasher as well (training of dishwasher stacking executed in meeting)
- Bunkbed has been dismantled and divided into two separate beds in room
- Car seat locations have been slightly altered to accommodate younger children requests
- Hair ties put away in specific location instead of wandering all over house (this is still a work in progress)
- Junk Food Day has been established (November 12, 2016)
- Request for a more gentle “firm” voice from dad has been made
- Kid generated idea-bucket for family planning has been created and is now used in weekly planning
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