How my wife and I work together to successfully blend our two families:
This past May Day weekend, I was having one of those evenings where life feels awesome. I was most hyped about my family relationships (wife, children, and extended family). As I was reflecting on this happy state I pondered from whence I came, some of the struggles along the way, and the the direction I am headed. I then thought on the initial challenges Tamie and I had on trying successfully blend our two families.
Blending families is not easy. You have two family cultures coming together to create a third, new one. Not having the proper tools on this blended journey can cause frustration, contention, and distance. Tamie, my wife, and I started this journey optimistic and hopeful but understood the potential challenges. As a result, we started our marriage by reading a christian book on blending families which truly helped to reset expectations (something I needed). This literature was helpful but I felt our family progress stalled a bit as we tried to “compromise” our way to parental alignment. Such compromise worked to a degree but frustration was common as we strived to unitedly parent our five children. Our family situation was never dire but I felt we could do better.
One day when considering our challenges my mind went to an old book that was referred to me by a therapist many years back. I looked a bit but couldn’t find it. I figured it had been lost in one of the three moves over the past couple of years. Time passed and six months later…voila it appeared…the 80’s looking cover with Mom, Dad, and Daughter smiling up at me: The Parent’s Handbook: Systematic Training For Effective Parenting (or STEP as they call it).
As the Amazon Description states the STEP Handbook is “One of the country’s most popular parenting guides. Helps parents meet the challenges of raising a family today. THE PARENT’S HANDBOOK shows parents how they can become more knowledgeable, confident and successful in relating to their children. Discusses misbehavior, communication, encouragement, natural and logical consequences, family meetings, drug and alcohol abuse prevention.
This book is part of the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) series, the world’s best selling parent education program.”
For Tamie and I it was, and is, a common platform by which we can love, nurture, listen, and discipline our children. The content is written so simply and directly that we remember it and actually apply it. We talk about our failures and our successes in implementing the principles. The results are positive. The content rings true.
To be honest, we don’t spend that much time reading it. We may get to it two times per week for 10-15 minutes a session and that is okay. The key is that we are consistently plugging away at a common parenting approach together. Our consistent, steady efforts over an extended period of time are showing very positive results. Results that caused me to feel “awesome” this past May Day weekend. We are halfway through and are in no rush to finish. In fact, the quiet, steady approach works well as it allows the concepts to season our parenting.
In other words, Tamie and I are now working from the same parenting playbook. It is not her way or my way but the STEP way. We support each other in trying to apply the principles, celebrate our successes, and talk about our failures. It has brought us closer together. It has taken out the tug of war of which approach (hers or mine) is best. Our children are more validated, understood, and empowered. Our marriage, children, and family units are being blessed by it. It is a win across the board. So if you feel any discontent in your parenting style, personally or as a couple, I recommend you Be STEP’en to the The Parents Handbook.
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