Personal finances are a curious thing. They have the ability to create security, peace, happiness, prosperity and/or fear, anxiety, depression, and ruin. Our approach to personal finances can build and uplift or break and tear down. A common example of this reality is the role personal finances play in marriage. Financial disagreements are consistently mentioned in the top three reasons for divorce. Although most people know this fact many fail to take the measures necessary to cure it in their own marriage.
From a very young age I have had the inclination to save money. It is not to say I didn’t freely drop dollar bills on candy, soda, baseball cards, and arcade games…I totally did. I enjoyed these activities as much as the next kid but I always felt a pull to save more than I spent. Some say this is a blessing and others may say it is a curse. It has been both in my life…especially when it has come to marriage.
My ability to earn and save money has enabled my children to readily enjoy a strong maternal influence that has significantly contributed to their healthy upbringing. Unfortunately, this same ability has caused much strain and tension with this same maternal influence. When two people come together in marriage they bring their childhood, personality, and unique perspective. For most this blending process can be very challenging. It was and still is for me. We all have different perspectives, wants, and habits that are not easily understood and accepted by our partner.
Through the last 15 years I have had to consciously focus on increasing my understanding of alternative financial perspectives. I have had to set very clear and specific goals to enable me to be more flexible, giving, and free with the money that I earn. I have had to step outside my own paradigm and experience the paradigm of my significant other. This process has enabled me to FEEL what they feel (although, perhaps, not as powerfully).
A good example of this is my wife’s love for fashion. Fashion has never interested me and my wardrobe reflected this. Over the past three years, this has changed. I have spent more money and focus on trying to impress my “girlfriend”/wife than ever before. At first it was just to impress her but now I quite enjoy wearing my tighter jeans and shirts that “show off this sexy bod” (her words not mine). Now I understand, to a degree, what clothes and fashion mean to her because I have experienced it myself.
My wife, on the other hand, has been willing to step over to my side of the financial fence and experience the blessings of a budget. She has changed her spending habits to ensure that we do not get in debt, save for meaningful goals, and work towards a better, more secure future. She has voluntarily assumed the role of financial manager in our household in regards to tracking and categorizing expenses. She has been incredibly willing to experiment and has felt the benefits.
In marriage we strive to become one in purpose. This oneness is one of the most difficult endeavors we will ever pursue. It is a lifelong goal that requires persistence, patience, and experimentation. Both parties have to be willing to embark on the journey. Often times it requires the courage of one partner to step over and understand, empathize, and experience the other’s paradigm. This opens the door for the other partner to do the same. Be the one to take the first step and I promise your marriage will be much better for it.
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