Last Saturday night I was on the tail end of an unpleasant cold that had plagued me all week. Although I felt tired and exhausted I had more energy than I had had in days. As I lay in bed with my wife I offered her a shoulder massage. I had not massaged her in over a week (which was less than normal). She said I didn’t have to as I looked pretty tired and probably didn’t feel like it. At this response, I replied “You are right I don’t feel like it but what I feel isn’t necessarily what I want. I want to give you a massage because you are important to me and this is how I show my love for you.”
This statement made me reflect on the perpetual dilemma we all experience between what we feel, want, and do. Too often our short-term feelings hijack our long-term desires (whether we like it or not). This hijacking leads us down a path of sadness and regret in exchange for momentary pleasure and excitement. Such feelings are powerful and, if left unbridled, can rob us of fulfillment, peace, and happiness.
Feelings
It is hard to ignore feelings and is this approach even healthy? I have been told to value my feelings and listen to them for they tell me what I am experiencing (which is extremely important). I am not advocating ignoring feelings. I am advocating recognizing two levels of feelings; “short-feelings” and “long-feelings” and choosing the one that yields the greatest dividend.
Short-feelings
Short-feelings cater to our weaknesses and appetites. They want instant gratification and relief from the discomfort of the moment. These feelings are real and must be recognized and validated. They serve a very practical purpose in ensuring that we eat, sleep, have fun, and multiply and replenish the earth. They can also make life exciting and pleasurable. If left unchecked, they can lead to misery and depression. Short-feelings are loud, persistent, and persuasive. The more we pamper, nurture, and cater to such feelings the more power, control, and influence they have in our day-to-day living.
Long-feelings
Long-feelings, on the other hand, recognize and elevate our deeper desires for fulfillment, peace, and happiness. They help check and counteract short-feelings. They surface most powerfully in moments of clarity, peace, and genuine love. They are, more often than not, subtle, quiet, gentle, yet piercing in their effect on the soul. Long-feelings are best utilized and captured in vision and mission statements that help illustrate their purpose and motivation. They answer the “why” of our existence. They drive strategic action meant to benefit us in the long-term. They accentuate our true selves. The more we pamper, nurture, and cater to these feelings the more power, control, and influence they have in our day-to-day living.
Not Easy But Worth It
There is no shortcut or easy fix to changing our patterns of choice and pleasure. But this I do know; being clear on what we really want (long feelings) gives reason and power to choose a club soda over beer, carrots over chips, family over football, understanding over yelling and sleep over shows. There is a place for some of these pleasures but learning to choose long over short requires a significant shift in how we think about life, goals, and purpose. The recipe for re-training our minds is practice, persistence, and patience sprinkled with clarity and purpose throughout.
Take Action And Feeling Will Follow
The long often wins out over the short when we take the action we don’t “feel” in the moment. We recognize our lack of desire but take the action anyway because of our faith in and desire for our deeper purpose and vision. For example, we may not feel like exercising but we know from past experience, observation, and study that exercise leads to increased energy, improved self image, and reduced anxiety (all of which we want more than to rest, relax, and remain unfit and lazy). If we rely on short-feelings we may only get out once every two weeks when everything is just right (weather, time, rested, etc.).
Taking action starts the progress snowball that increases energy and leads to genuine motivation and desire both in the moment (short) and in life (long). I am sure we can all think of the time when we didn’t want to exercise but forced ourselves to get out there anyway. Once we got out there our heart changed and we were glad to be exercising. Once we repeated this process again and again, our long feelings eventually became our short feelings and we changed that part of our lives. It requires faith and vision to get us off that couch. Allow both to fill your life.
Happy Ending
I rubbed Tamie’s shoulders for more than 30 minutes that night. She thoroughly enjoyed it and once I started doing it (took the action) I too was enjoying the process (the feeling followed). My vision (long-feeling) is to have a great marriage; one where mutual respect, admiration, and love exist. Tamie, the following night, unexpectedly turned our bedroom into a sanctuary of beautiful smells, music, and massage. For over an hour, she massaged every part of my body and treated me like royalty (this was despite her dealing with a headache all day).
This massage exchange/experience with Tamie is a microcosm of what can happen in the macro of our lives. Our long-feelings won out over our short-feelings which in the end produced a beautiful blend of both and helped us achieve our marital vows, vision, and personal happy ending :).
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